Confession time: I've been smitten with a younger K-pop star for nearly a decade and he doesn’t even know I exist. Yet, my husband is fully aware of this ‘relationship’ and teases me about it, even if he doesn’t quite get my obsession with Kai from the supergroup Exo.

What is it about Kai, the 31-year-old powerhouse, that has me endlessly captivated? It’s his relentless pursuit of perfection that first drew me into the Exo fandom—and keeps me on the edge of my seat.

I've boarded flights to Seoul for concerts, splurged on CDs just for collectible photocards, and amassed a collection of official and fan-made merchandise. And don’t even get me started on my quirky obsession with bear-themed items linked to Kai!

Oddly enough, I find it hard to open up about my fangirling. Back in high school, I plastered my textbooks with posters of UK boy band Take That, but by junior college, I’d tucked away my enthusiasms—until now. But in my forties, I wonder: am I too old to drool over younger idols? Seeing teens and twenty-somethings at Exo concerts always sends me spiraling into self-doubt.

But guess what? I’m not sailing this fangirling ship alone.

Take my friend who jetted off to Las Vegas just to watch BTS perform. Or another friend who has dived headfirst into Traditional Chinese Medicine thanks to her obsession with the charming character played by Zhang Linghe in a popular C-drama. And there are those who hop on planes to Bangkok for fan meets with Thai idols. Most of us are well into our 40s!

Are We Ever Too Old to Fangirl?

According to clinical psychologist Sara-Ann Lee, the difference between teenage fangirls and their older counterparts lies in awareness. Adult fans often navigate that fine line between admiration and fantasy, hosting their passions in their everyday lives.

Dr. Tabitha Mok, a senior consultant psychiatrist, reinforces this: our admiration for beauty and talent is everlasting. And for older women, celebrating younger idols can spark feelings of vitality and self-expression often lost to the responsibilities of adulthood.

Take Ann Quek, a 41-year-old mother of two and an admirer of Korean actor Kim Seon-ho, who says fangirling offers her a delightful escape from her many roles—be it as a daughter, mother, or wife.

Then there’s Mai Jingfeng, 46, who re-energized her passion for fandom after a hiatus in her 30s. "Life got in the way, but I now make room for what lights me up," she admits, beaming at memories of Thai actors that sprinkle joy into her daily grind.

The Silver Linings of Fangirling

Experts agree that although our idol-fan relationships are one-sided, they can be surprisingly beneficial. When approached in moderation, these relationships can provide emotional support during stressful times and foster a sense of connection.

For Mai, tuning in to her favorite idols after a long workday is pure bliss, acting as a pleasant balm to corporate drudgery. Meanwhile, 45-year-old media specialist Phoebe Khoo finds her idol, Taemin of Shinee, to be her emotional anchor during tough times.

But that’s not all. Khoo discovered new facets of herself through her fandom, adopting styles inspired by Taemin and even taking up piano lessons. Similarly, Lim May San, 42, is inspired by the humility and dedication of her favorite band, Day6, striving to embody those values in her own life.

Creating a Community of Fangirls

Thanks to social media and online platforms, finding fellow fans has never been easier. My WhatsApp group chat dedicated to K-pop is buzzing with memes, videos, and all things Exo-related. I even made friends with a twenty-something American fan at Kai’s solo concert in Seoul.

Feeling part of a supportive community can boost self-worth and belonging, as noted by psychologist Lee. Today’s narratives embrace womanhood in all its shades, encouraging us to express our joys openly.

Even family support helps. Quek’s husband welcomed a life-sized cutout of Kim Seon-ho into their home. As for me, my husband joined me at my first K-pop concert in Osaka and now knows enough about Kai to surprise me with his knowledge!

Ultimately, age shouldn’t restrict our interests. As Khoo aptly puts it, if we’re sharing our menopausal experiences, why not talk about our love for fangirling? Dr. Mok concludes that, when balanced, fangirling is a healthy, delightful outlet—no matter our age.