When Self-Improvement Goes Wrong

Early 2021 was a turning point for me. My boyfriend suggested I might be experiencing depression, which I dismissed. After all, I was just tired and moody, and surely that was normal. Commuting to New Jersey three times a week to teach Literature 101 to students who had never cracked open a book didn’t help either. I figured my bad moods were a product of my less-than-simple life, no different from my inability to navigate the world of high heels.

The Allure of Supplements

Eager for an easy fix, I dove into the world of depression supplements, armed with a bit of skepticism about traditional psychiatric drugs. My family had a history of heavy medication use for ADHD and anxiety—enough to steer me clear of that route. Instead, I googled remedies, intrigued by articles both credible and fantastical. From St. John’s wort to reishi mushrooms, the options spanned the spectrum of scientific backing to wellness fads.

A Dangerous Decision

I settled on St. John’s wort, thinking it could only improve my mood. After months of diligent consumption, I felt okay—or so I thought. By November, feeling lighter and more optimistic, I stopped taking it without a second thought.

The Night That Changed Everything

Weeks later, after an exhilarating night out, I was suddenly overcome with a sharp pain in my abdomen while grocery shopping. A brief blackout left me on the floor, surrounded by concerned strangers. Shaken, I brushed it off, but what followed was a spiral into anxiety.

Panic Sets In

The fear of fainting set the stage for panic attacks spiraling into dissociation—my boyfriend looked like a stranger, and my living space felt hostile. I was teetering on the edge of a complete mental breakdown.

A Family Rescue

In a state of panic, I called my dad for help, leading to a comedic yet desperate sequence where he got stuck in the elevator for 30 minutes. Once he arrived, calmness washed over me, and I found relief in a single Valium. It was like stepping into bliss after a long, chaotic day.

The Hidden Danger of My Chosen Remedy

After consulting a psychiatrist, I discovered that quitting St. John’s wort cold turkey had mimicked the effects of stopping traditional antidepressants, throwing me into a whirling dervish of panic. Because it was an unregulated supplement with little research about its side effects, the road to recovery was murky.

The Road to Recovery

I was prescribed Xanax to navigate the storm, but even with the medication, waves of anxiety continued to threaten my calm. Each panic attack felt like a river trying to break a dam, and I often sought refuge in bathroom stalls, shaking and sweaty. Yet I started to gain control when the mere touch of my Xanax bottle became a reassuring talisman.

Lessons Learned and Caution Ahead

As I moved away from constant medication dependency, I couldn't shake the impulse to explore new wellness trends. Even as I encountered enticing ads for adaptogen coffees, my therapist wisely cautioned me against straying back into unregulated territory. After everything I’d experienced, it was clear: my mental well-being deserved more than mere experimentation.

Conclusion: A Cautionary Tale in Self-Care

This experience taught me the critical importance of approaching mental health treatment with informed caution. Supplements may offer a tempting shortcut, but when it comes to mental well-being, there’s no substitute for professional guidance.