Life Before Breakdown

At 83, my life has been largely fulfilling, yet I can pinpoint a pivotal moment in my youth that turned everything upside down. After a year of art college, I found myself spiraling into despair, leading to multiple suicide attempts and hospitalization.

The Electric Shock Experience

During my stay at the mental hospital, I underwent 15 electric shock treatments. The memory of my first treatment is vivid; I emerged disoriented, unable to recognize my own mother, consumed by blinding headaches and the dreadful fear of never waking up. Amidst the haze of antipsychotic medications, I was a source of worry for my family, unable to 'pull myself together'.

Finding Compassion in Chaos

In reflection, I see myself tending to the needs of other distressed individuals locked away in that imposing institution. Ironically, I found a sense of belonging there.

A New Beginning in Italy

Post-hospitalization, I sought solace in Italy, where I gradually healed and weaned off medication. Teaching English became my passion, and life began to regain its vibrancy. Yet, a lingering question remains: what exactly happened to me?

Examining the Past

As we navigate life, seemingly random decisions often hold deeper significance influenced by our environment. My curiosity about my past trauma has grown, especially considering the societal neglect of mental health in the 1960s. Today's understanding of such issues has evolved considerably.

Resilience and Reflection

An insightful conversation with Dr. Joanne Stubley, a trauma expert, revealed my resilience in moving to Italy and crafting a fulfilling life despite prior struggles. My nurturing spirit, even while in psychiatric care, raises essential questions: 'What about me? Who tended to my needs?'

Unpacking Trauma

Feeling isolated and disempowered is a trademark of trauma—an experience I must process. I’ve contemplated researching whether any old medical records are available to shed light on my past.

The Path to Understanding

Dr. Stubley suggested opening dialogues, whether with friends or a counselor, to explore my life story. Perhaps reconnecting with living relatives from that time could offer more insights.

Integrating the Past

My geographical move to a country where English wasn't spoken symbolized a definitive departure from my old self. Now, it’s essential to integrate my past with my present.

Final Thoughts

The journey through trauma is complex, but asking pivotal questions is a brave step toward understanding. Reflecting on my past not only honors my experiences but also paves the way for healing in my golden years.